Finding happiness and feeling loved: How to become a better you
Feeling loved is the emotional connection that makes us feel recognized, understood, valued and safe. It's not just something we want – it's something we need to manage stress, be well, and find happiness. But in our plugged in, fast-paced world we’ve lost the lasting satisfaction that comes with the experience of feeling loved and making others feel loved.
Fortunately, it's never too late to feel loved. If you are willing to stop doing things that limit your ability to feel loved, and acquire the skills that foster this experience, you can get what you need. It's never too late provided that you heed this advice.
Do
- distinguish between being loved and feeling loved
- take time to feel loved
- address your stress level
- remain aware of feelings you dislike as well as like
- observe nonverbal cues
Don't
- rely on screens to build loving relationships
- attempt to connect while multitasking
- try to solve problems until you understand how the other person feels
- expect to remember what you’ve learned when you’re overstressed
- assume you can feel loved unless you are in a relationship
Do distinguish between being loved and feeling loved
You can intellectually know that you are loved without feeling seen, understood, valued or safe. And you can also love another without their experiencing your love because – unless you know how to receive and send nonverbal emotional cues – the feeling loved experience will be dulled.
Do take time to feel loved
It takes time and focus to send and receive nonverbal cues. You can think and send electronic messages fast, but to communicate emotionally, you will need to slow down. Take a step back and truly feel loved, whether it is appreciating yourself more or feeling the love of your significant other, friends, or family. Everyone loves others differently, and it is important for you to understand and appreciate the love of others.
Do address your stress level
If you are overstressed or chronically overstressed, you won't be able to successfully send or receive feeling loved communications because your response will be automatic. You wont be able to do much more than fight, flee or freeze. That's why it's so important to be able to recognize when you are overstressed and to have tools that enable you to very quickly – reduce stress and bring yourself into balance.
Do remain aware of feelings you dislike as well as like
All of the core emotions we are born with such as anger, fear, sadness and joy are there to help us survive. Even the feelings we dislike send us important messages that keep us in touch with what we need to survive, thrive and be happy. Be aware of these feelings that you like and dislike, so that you can optimize one and reduce the other.
Do observe nonverbal cues
By observing the nonverbal cues, you can remain aware of what other people are really feeling. Nonverbal cues are very difficult to hide and they can help us tease apart differences between what people say and what people feel. In general, people feel much closer to us when we respond in ways that connect to what they feel. It can be as little as a smile or grin after you say something that pleases another, or it can be watching your friend’s eyes wander because their attention is elsewhere.
Do not rely on screens to build loving relationships
Because the sending and receiving of nonverbal cues is such a rapid process, it is impossible to successfully communicate nonverbally using any type of screen. Computer screens and phone screens for example, are great for some kinds of communication, but they are not good vehicles for sending the feelings of love that calm, soothe and make us feel happy. It is best to build loving relationships face to face.
Do not attempt to connect while multitasking
It may seem that you are accomplishing more than one thing while multitasking, but this is an illusion. You are really focusing on one thing after another very rapidly. This may work with some parts of your life, but not when your intention is to connect lovingly with others. People always sense when you are multitasking- even when they can't see you – and feel the lack of focus.
Do not try to solve problems until you understand how the other person feels
When we're overly stressed, it's very difficult to solve problems because we're not calm and focused enough to do so successfully. Listening to the point of understanding how another person feels, reduces their stress making successful problem solving much more likely.
Do not expect to remember what you’ve learned when you’re overstressed
Many people find that what they have learned about their relationships and their intentions to follow with new behaviors don’t work when they’re overly or chronically stressed. This isn’t surprising because it’s very difficult to think straight once fight, flight or freeze triggers have been pressed.
Do not assume you can feel loved unless you are in a relationship
You can experience feelings of love through your caring for others. In fact, you probably create even more feelings of love when you are in the process of giving love rather than receiving it. For this reason, feeling loved is never beyond your reach – provided that you know how to make others feel loved.
Summary
Feeling loved by others and giving that love back is something we need in order to be happy, reduce and manage stress in our lives, and maintain a high level of overall well-being. It is important for you to notice cues, both verbal and nonverbal, in others so that you can give your love as effectively as possible. Often, simply being there for someone during a hard time in their (or your) life can help you realize where your love is coming from (and is).
