Help teens build resiliency, improve coping skills and ease stress
Pressure to be absolutely extraordinary–to excel academically, athletically, musically and socially–is rampant among today’s teenagers. Many parents think stress is simply the price of having well-educated kids who get into great colleges. But chronic stress changes teenagers’ brains, actually harming their learning and performance, along with their physical health and mental well-being. Stressed-out, sleep-deprived teens are less successful because they focus poorly, make more mistakes and often get sick. Parents can help teens by reducing their stress, as well as by building their coping skills and resiliency.
Do
- acknowledge and talk about stress
- emphasize enduring qualities
- promote balanced lives
- form reasonable expectations
- establish and model a healthy lifestyle
Don't
- impose your own hopes and dreams
- discourage or prevent mistakes
- compare teens to siblings or friends
- question them immediately after school
- provide more help than they need
Do acknowledge and talk about stress
Teens usually hide their stress because they are ashamed of being overwhelmed and do not want to alarm their parents. So raise this issue directly by asking, “How much stress are you feeling right now?” “Where is your stress coming from?” and “What can I do to help?”
Help teens differentiate between pressure they can and cannot control. Brainstorm strategies to relieve as much stress as possible. Lightening up schedules and easing obligations–even temporarily–usually makes a big difference, especially during academic crunch times. Don’t worry if you do not have all the answers. Teens feel better just knowing you understand and care about their stress.
Do emphasize enduring qualities
Focus on who teens are instead of what they accomplish. Compliment them on inner qualities, such as insight, motivation, perseverance and compassion, rather than transient successes, such as good test scores. Point out how their personal assets and good work habits will help them throughout their lives. When you emphasize long-term qualities and goals, you relieve the short-term pressures and possible disappointments of exams, tryouts and social challenges.
Do promote balanced lives
Encourage teens to maintain a balance of work, play (including socializing) and rest. Guide them to take courses appropriate for them, set reasonable school schedules and make only as many after-school commitments as they can handle. Be sure they have at least one free period during the day and an afternoon or two of unstructured time. Help teens to take frequent breaks from school work. Give them permission to carve out down time to reflect, read for pleasure, enjoy hobbies or just decompress from busy days.
Do form reasonable expectations
Remember that teens’ brains mature at different rates. Base your expectations not on what you wish they would accomplish, but rather on their true capabilities. Factor in their age, skills, difficulty of coursework, competition, extracurricular demands and stresses of family, friends or illness. If in doubt, rely on input from teachers and guidance counselors or consider private psychoeducational testing. Guide teens to make their goals specific, practical and doable. For example, “I will proofread essays and check math tests before turning them in” works much better than, “I will get straight As.”
Do establish and model a healthy lifestyle
Set guidelines for daily routines, such as breakfast, dinnertime and lights out. Talk about pleasant topics at meals rather than interrogating teens about school. Ensure soothing, uninterrupted and meaningful face-to-face conversations by banning screens during family time. Avoid screen time, caffeinated beverages and sugar later in the evening to allow teens to relax before sleep. Expect all family members to exercise regularly to reduce stress, elevate mood and promote health.
Do not impose your own hopes and dreams
Teens are happiest and most successful when they do something they are passionate about, good at and find meaningful. Encourage them to identify and develop their own interests, rather than forming narrow ideas about what their success should look like or burdening them with fulfilling your unrealized goals. Learn about their areas of interest, especially if they are different from your own. When making decisions affecting their future, always guide teens to be true to themselves. Let them star in their own lives.
Do not discourage or prevent mistakes
Although it is tempting to try to protect teens from disappointment or failure, it is better to allow them to make mistakes. That way, they realize that errors are a normal, necessary and even valuable part of the learning process. When you refrain from fixing problems for teens and encourage them to find their own solutions, they develop both the mindset to persist despite frustration and setbacks, and the skill set to succeed. Ask them, “What do you think might work?” before offering your own suggestions.
Do not compare teens to siblings or friends
Resist the urge to compare teens to other kids who epitomize the successful qualities you wish they would emulate. This will only make them feel slighted and demoralized. Instead, boost motivation by encouraging teens to recognize and celebrate their uniqueness. To feel confident, they must truly know themselves. Point out their real strengths and weaknesses by making your compliments genuine and specific.
Do not question them immediately after school
When they get home from school, give teens time to decompress before asking even seemingly simple questions such as, “How was your day?” Until they have had a chance to reflect upon and process what has happened, they often feel too pressured to answer and then are chastised for responding irritably. Avoid asking about their scores on specific tests or how the rest of the class did, which makes their stress soar. Let them know you are available to give them a snack and chat whenever they feel ready.
Do not provide more help than they need
Be sure to assess exactly how much and what kind of support teens need. If you think they are doing well, convey your trust in them and boost their confidence by backing off from offering help. Unless they are really struggling, do not insist on tutoring to raise grades. Only give as much help as teens ask for. For example, if they want you to check a paper for grammatical errors, don’t rewrite it. This way, you help them to hone their skills and reinforce their belief that they can succeed on their own.
Summary
Although parents can feel helpless when they see teens suffering from stress, we have the power to greatly reduce their pressures and promote their resiliency. Knowing how chronic stress undermines success, we can more mindfully adjust our own attitudes and expectations according to teens’ true passions and capabilities. This shift helps teens recognize realistic limitations and set priorities to make practical decisions about how they spend their time.
Our everyday interactions with our teens can be geared to facilitating their self-knowledge, coping skills and confidence. By reducing teens’ stress, we are creating a model for making more thoughtful, authentic and healthier choices that result in the entire family enjoying less stressful and more balanced lives.
