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How to ask a girl out on a first date

Dave Pounder President, Dave Pounder Productions LLC Author, “Obscene Thoughts: A Pornographer's Perspective on Sex, Love, and Dating”
How to ask a girl out on a first date

Asking a girl out on a first date is very easy. The most important thing to do is to tailor your approach based on how well you know her. If she is a complete stranger (e.g., a girl walking down the street, at the mall, etc.) you must take a very different approach compared to a girl you already know (e.g., a co-worker or perhaps a friend you’ve been wanting to ask out for a while). In either scenario, men need to understand that women do not want to be perceived as sexual objects. Women often dress and look sexy because they know it attracts men. They do this because they want to maximize the number of quality men who approach them, and they don’t want to be rejected physically by whichever man they ultimately choose.

Nonetheless, women typically want men to desire them because of who they are, not because of how they look. As such, it’s always best to approach a woman with the intent of getting to know her because she seems nice or interesting, and not because she looks hot or sexy.


Do

Do approach with a gender-neutral question if your target is a stranger

Women are naturally suspicious of strange men who approach them. Therefore, it is very important that you do not comment on her looks. Ask a gender-neutral question (something that would also be perceived by a man as a legitimate question) to gauge her interest. An example of a question not to ask is “You look beautiful. Would you like to go out sometime?” If you said that to a straight man, he would likely knock you out or find a way to avoid you. Some gender-neutral questions would include, “Excuse me, I just moved to the area. Do you happen to know if there is a hardware store around here?”, or “Sorry to bother you, I’m new to town and a little lost. Do you know how to get to the freeway from here?” These types of gender-neutral questions disarm women by signaling to them that you aren’t just interested in them sexually.

If she is interested, she will reply with additional questions, such as “There is a hardware store 5 blocks from here, but also a Home Depot about a mile away. What is it that you need?”, or “The freeway is just down that road. Where did you move here from?” If she answers your questions with additional questions of her own, then you have sparked her interest in learning more about you, and you can continue asking more general, gender-neutral questions. If you are still talking with her for more than a few minutes, thank her for the information, comment on how nice and genuine it was of her to help you, and then ask her if she’d like to go out sometime and maybe show you around the city. However, if she doesn’t respond to your initial question with a follow up question, she likely isn't interested or already has a husband or boyfriend, so simply thank her for the information and be on your way.

Do tell her how you feel if your target is someone you already know personally

Just as men are seduced by what their eyes see, women are seduced by what their ears hear. If you already are friends with her, then she likely already trusts and respects you as a person. Your problem, at the moment, is that you already are in the “friend zone”. The good news is that even if she isn’t currently attracted to you, that can change if you show an interest in her and display signs of personality, confidence, success, ambition and social status (e.g., nicely dressed, well-spoken, etc.).

Ask her to grab a bite to eat with you someplace quaint yet casual. Be genuine and tell her how much you enjoy spending time with her and that you really enjoy her friendship and having her in your life. Tell her that she is a wonderful person and let her know that as you have gotten to know her, you find yourself very attracted to her. At that point, ask her if she has ever thought about taking your friendship to the next level. Remember, women love communication. If she seems a little (or alot) interested in the idea, then smile, thank her for listening, and tell her you are happy you had the conversation. After the meal, ask her to walk with you. Talk more about your shared interests and life goals. After walking for a few minutes, hold her hand, look her in the eye and smile. If she doesn’t pull away, wait until you eventually come to a nice secluded spot on your walk, lean in and kiss her (do not ask her if you can kiss her, just do it! Remember, women absolutely love confidence.). Even if you ultimately discover that she isn’t interested, at least you will know where you stand, and she will be flattered that you asked her out.

Do tread lightly by using the group approach if you know this person on a professional level

As the saying goes, “Don’t s#!t where you sleep.” If you work together, are neighbors, or have any other arrangement where an awkward incident could easily turn into eternal uncomfortableness, it’s best to first try to hang out in a group setting so she can learn more about you and see if she even is interested in being friends with you. If she is a co-worker, perhaps you could say, “A bunch of us are heading over to the pub for happy hour after work, do you want to join us? Bring others from your department. It would be fun!” If she is a neighbor, “Hey there, a bunch of the neighbors are thinking of having a pool party sometime in the next few weeks. Would you attend if we organized one? Know any other neighbors you could invite?”

This gender-neutral, non-threatening approach is ideal for breaking the ice and putting you on her radar. Once at the event, follow the same gender-neutral line of questioning mentioned above. If, at the event, you find yourself in a solid conversation, suggest that you hang out sometime.

Do start subtle and then take it up a notch if your target is online

Women know there are many creepy guys out there, especially online. First, send a general email to see if she is interested. Most women don’t respond well to winks, so send a short general email to say hello, and be sure to mention something specifically about her profile that you like (again, do not talk about how good she looks, it must be about her interests, job, etc.). If she responds, then write a more detailed message telling her more about you but also asking her some questions too.

Once you have been emailing back and forth about 3 or 4 times, you can send her your number and tell her to feel free to text or call you any time. Be sure to tell her that you can text her too if she feels comfortable giving out her number (most will email back with their numbers). After texting back and forth for about 10-20 messages, ask her if she is available to chat on the phone sometime later that day or during the week. Be sure to arrange it when you have plenty of available time to talk. If you have a great conversation on the phone, suggest meeting someplace casual for coffee or a light lunch. She is likely to take you up on it.

Do be present and patient if she is already taken

As the saying goes, “All the good ones are taken.” The good news is that statistics is on your side. The overwhelming number of relationships fail. Since women prefer to date guys whom they know are safe and sane, it’s in your best interest to hang out as much as possible with her and her boyfriend so she has plenty of opportunity to “get to know” you, just don’t get too close to the boyfriend or she likely won’t want to date you after they break up. One strategy is to invite her and her boyfriend to a group that shares your common interests - perhaps a sport (e.g., a kayaking group), hobby (e.g., a movie watching group), club (e.g., a bowling league), or social atmosphere (e.g., a favorite sports bar). If she and her boyfriend are part of your group, when they eventually break up you will already have a foot in the door since you already will have been validated by her social circle. Further, if you are always present and available, she will value your male opinion on what is happening when things get rocky with her boyfriend.

The more time you spend together and the more you two have talked, the closer and more comfortable she will feel with you. When they eventually do break up or have a rocky point in their relationship, don’t jump on the opportunity to ask her out. That will make you come off as slimy and opportunistic. Rather, be there to listen and provide advice when asked. Once you feel she is comfortable and that you have been there through her tough time, lean in and kiss her. Chances are you will end up dating her, although it isn’t likely you will be welcomed back into the club. But hey, at least you got the girl.


Don't

Do not comment on her body type or physical attractiveness


Women do not want to perceived as sexual objects, just as you do not want to be perceived as a wallet. Walking up to a girl and saying, “You look great, would you like to go out sometime?” is analogous to a woman walking up to you and saying, “You look rich, would you like to take me out to dinner sometime.” Even though men and women primarily seek physical attractiveness and resources, respectively, it’s important to pursue the strategy very subtly.

Do not offer to take her someplace extravagant for a first date

Many women feel uncomfortable if a guy asks them out to a fancy place on a first date. This is because many women have learned that men seem to feel entitled to some kind of sexual access after having spent a sizeable amount of cash of them, so most women prefer to avoid situations that lead to sexual expectations. You are much better off suggesting something quick and casual (coffee, light lunch, etc.) so she has an opportunity to assess how she feels about you after the first date and to see if she even is interested in another.

Do not be annoyingly persistent

If you email a girl online, don’t follow up with a “did you get my email?” or “why haven’t you responded?” message. That behavior is needy and rightfully a red flag for most women. If the message is in your sent mail folder, then she got it. You can follow up a few days later with a wink, but after that let it go. She is either out of town and will eventually respond when she gets back, or she simply isn’t interested. This holds true offline as well. If you invite your co-worker or neighbor to an event on 2 or 3 different occasions and she never shows up, then give it up - she isn’t interested. Further, if you get a girl’s number and leave her several messages before she has time to call you back, she likely is going to get a needy vibe and avoid you entirely.

Do not discuss controversial subjects

Chances are the girl you like is attractive; am I right? Well, most other men also are attracted to attractive women and, therefore, your girl probably has plenty of other men who would love to take her out. Attractive women turn down significantly more men than they could ever agree to go out with. As such, women are always looking for a way to “opt-out” men to help manage the pool of guys who are interested in them. Therefore, it’s much safer to talk about shared interests and goals (e.g., food, travel, recreational activities) and avoid controversial subjects (e.g., religion, politics, infidelity) which could easily put you in the “opt-out” category if your position on the issue doesn’t align with hers.

Do not invite her to your house

The last thing a woman wants is to be invited to some stranger’s house on a first date. Unlike men, women continually run the risk of being a victim of sexual violence. Thus, your goal should be to make her as comfortable as possible so that she wants to actually go out with you, not fear you. That said, don’t invite her to your house to watch a movie or to cook a meal. That is for a later date. When initially asking a girl out, suggest a place that is public and casual, and keep it short and simple so she has an easy and polite way out if she isn’t into you. If she likes you, there will definitely be a second date. If she doesn’t like you, let it go. There are plenty of fish in the sea.


Summary
Jumping cartoon

Asking a girl out is a simple task; it’s knowing which route to take that matters most. Since men value youth and physical attractiveness in a woman, a conversation isn’t necessary to gauge which women fit the criteria. Women, conversely, want to date tall, confident, personable, ambitious men or high social status. Aside from height, women have no way of knowing which of the men around them possess these traits without first having a conversation with them. Therefore, most single women will entertain a brief conversation with a guy to see if he passes her initial filter of being gainfully employed, confident, funny, and not living with his mother. Thus, these first few minutes of conversation are critical to signal these traits to her. If you do so successfully, your initial 30-second question will turn into a 5 minute conversation which likely will turn into a date.


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Dave PounderPresident, Dave Pounder Productions LLC

Esteemed pornographer Dave Pounder has produced, directed, and performed in adult films for over a decade, with over one hundred titles to his credit. He holds a bachelor’s degree in finance from Michigan State University and a master’s degree i...

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