Sustain a happy marriage while raising a child with special needs

Do make your marriage a priority

Strong marriages need to be nourished, and raising a child with disabilities takes crucial time and attention away from the marriage. Focus on maintaining your connectedness. While children are an important part of marital life, they are not the only part. Establish a weekly date night, take a daily walk together, email or text each other throughout the day, have lunch once a week, or make a point of talking about your day every night before bed.

Do make time for autonomy

While togetherness is crucial for a strong marriage, so is autonomy. It is important for each partner to have individual interests and identities outside of the partnership. Focus on finding outside sources of support and strength by carving out personal, alone time for yourself and regaining your identity through this needed alone time.

Do prioritize and let the non-important tasks slide

You can’t do everything, so don’t even try. Disability forces you to pick and choose where to put your energy. Leave the dishes in the sink and the clothes in the hamper so that you can spend some vital downtime with your spouse.

Do give yourself permission to grieve

Mourning the loss of what will never be is a natural way to come to terms with the disability. Grief allows you to heal and move on. During the mourning process, there are several things to keep in mind. You must remember that loss is extremely personal and grief can be experienced in many different ways. The mourning process can take a very long time and truthfully, some sadness never dissipates. You should never direct your anger and blame at your spouse. So instead of projecting, you both should learn how to manage your sadness, which is the key to successful healing.

Do fight fairly and be flexible

Be sure to avoid blaming your spouse, labeling, or name-calling. Ask for what you want rather than complaining or criticizing. Compromise even if you do not agree. Keep arguments from escalating. Do not bring up the past. Stay focused on the topic at hand rather than adding additional topics. Pick the important issues, stay focused, and be mindful of your partner’s feelings. Talk through your anger. Apologize for things you did wrong and be sure to make up by the end of the day. Remember to forgive and forget.

Do not wallow in your pity

Self-pity is acceptable as long as it is short-lived. Instead of feeling like a victim and wallowing in your ‘misfortune’, practice self-compassion. Accept your limits, give yourself a break, let go of your guilt, and treat yourself and your spouse with love and kindness.

Do not allow yourselves to become divided

A happy marriage is impossible if you let yourselves become divided. Remember that you are on the same team. Work together, balance each other, look out for one another, celebrate the good times, and pull together during the struggles. Keep in mind that raising a child with special needs is very difficult, and even more difficult as a single parent.

Do not let your child’s disability consume your life and your marriage

The guilt and anxiety associated with raising a child with disabilities can create an unhealthy obsession with your child’s copious needs. It is easy to become enmeshed in your child’s life, but do not let this happen. It will destroy your marital connectedness. This is why you should always find time for things like date nights or lunch with your spouse. A little time together will go a long way.

Do not have unrealistic expectations of your spouse and your marriage

Having unrealistic notions can cause a breakdown in your marriage. Instead, expect your spouse to have flaws. Just like you, your spouse is not perfect. Learn to work around these imperfections and compromise often. Accept a realistic notion of marriage. This involves loving someone despite the flaws, struggles, and disappointments.

Do not lose sight of the emotional differences between men and women

Expect your partner to respond differently from you. In general, women tend to be more emotional and talk about their feelings, while men tend to lack emotion and withdraw or attack problems pragmatically. Accept and embrace these differences. Give each other the freedom to cope and express feelings differently.